Goodbye Elsie Grace

I wonder all the time who I am and I come up with nothing.

not that I'm nothing but I don't know who I am quite yet.

 

And this has helped, this has helped. 

 

But I guess I could start with being Abigail Waters.

I remember

I remember the voice of my grandpa when he sang some song he made up about ducks and whiskey.
I remember collecting things in Grandma's house and burying them in her front yard hoping it would be treasure when we dug it out again.
I remember finding out about my surprise 16th birthday party and then it not happening.
I remember the boy who showed up on my doorstep every year on Valentine's day for 3 years and how he didn't come last year.
I remember wishing it never ended.
I remember the jams I listened to as I cleaned my room in 7th grade.
I remember the first time I heard 'Skyscraper' by Demi Lovato and bawling because it hit me.
I remember the eye contact I made with this cute boy at SeaWorld and thinking I must've known him in the Pre-Mortal life or maybe I just hoped I knew him then.
I remember finding my lifeless bunny in her cage.
I remember the peace in my heart.
I remember the Tamagotchi that grew to be an adult and giving my all to keep it alive.
I remember my waist being a little bigger.
I remember thinking math was easy.
I remember swimming in Grandma Linda's pool and eating sundaes and that she wasn't our biological grandma.
I remember hating Golum and still hating him because he ruined any chance of having a dream as a child.
I remember how we only cared about the next time we'd get to play.
I remember wandering the halls hoping somebody would stop and talk with me.
I remember watching your chest rise and fall.

I remember you.

Man Killed

Freckles on Me

My mom always said that the freckles sprinkled across my face were spots where angels had kissed me before. 

After being in an accident I gained a lot of new specks on my head, where I'd been severely injured. 

The ones on my hands are from the princes that have treated me with a respect I hope they treat their future wives with.

Freckles appear on my ears every time a song touches my heart and it happens a lot at live performances. 

The ones on my lips are from the boys I've kissed and good food I've eaten. 

The summer memories resides on my shoulders and knees where the big sun above hit so many times. 

And the angels aren't always the ones you can't see.  The marks are from every where and nearly everyone who touched a part of you that hadn't been touched before.

The people you regret letting into your life are the ones that turn into moles that turn into cancer. 
They are bound to get back at you for hurting them.

  I hope the freckles remain freckles, and the moles remain moles.   

from your Heart

Sometimes you breathe fast
And I worry I won't be able to keep up.
But you don't let me down.  I'm afraid you will.

You make me fall in love so quick but way to leave me hanging.
I'm better than your brain because I feel.
I want to love and be loved.
I want someone to spill my warm blood all over and for them to still love the way I beat.

I'm not just a drum.
I'm a rhythmic pulse maker who keeps you dancing.
I never get a break so could you start using that oxygenated blood for good, for you and those in need?

I don't work for nothing and you're of worth.
Why would I keep beating if you weren't suppose to be here.
But like I mentioned before, take this pulse I give and dance to it. 
Make a song, I'm giving you a steady beat.

There are times when it seems easy to stop, but I don't. 
So you better not stop either.

Love,

Your Heart

To My Future Child

     I hope that you don’t have to go through what I went through.  You’ll have challenges but I hope divorced parents isn’t one of them.  I hope that you work hard for what you love.  I dreamed of having a kid who is passionate about their hobby but if you’re not, it’s ok, I still love you.  I hope to be able to give you the opportunity to take music lessons.  I think playing an instrument provides an exit from the real world and a chance for you to just let go.  I don’t want you to ever think about letting go of something you love because nobody should have to.  Be careful on who you are friends with.  They have a huge impact on who you become.

 

 

I want you to not be lazy.  I have the biggest pet peeve of people who think they’ll go somewhere from sitting on their butt all day.  I don’t want that for you.  I want to prepare you for the future.  I don’t want you to be shocked and left unable to be independent.  And I want you to feel loved.  I’m going to be one of those moms who is all over her kids, reminding them she loves them.

 

 

I want to be someone you can come talk to when you are lost, when you have questions, and when you feel lonely.  I had that from my mom and it was a huge blessing.  I did some things I really regret and I had to fix a lot of things but it was worth it.  I want you to know you’re worth it.  Screwing up is really embarrassing and it really sucks.  There is always a way to fix things though.  I lost hope on myself far too many times and don’t do the same.  It runs in the family through my dad’s side to think the grass is really greener on the other side.  It’s a lie.   

 

I hope that I’ve grown back a relationship with my dad because right now there’s none.  It’s hard to rebuild a bridge that’s been burnt down over and over.  But I’m working on it.  Please forgive others when they screw up.  I want to teach you from the start that forgiveness is important.  I’ve held way too many grudges and the longer they sit on your shoulders, the longer it takes to throw off. 

 

 

I’ll support you in whatever you do.  I’ve always said that mamas who let their boys play football don’t love them but if that’s your dream, I can work around my prejudice.  If you want to do band and play the oboe, I’ll cheer you on at band concerts.  I will take what you have and do whatever I can to help you magnify your talents.

 

 

I hope you play nice with kids on the playground.  I didn’t.  I growled at this kid who I see in the halls daily, back in 3^rd grade when he came to sit next to me on the bus.  Stupidest thing I’ve ever done because now he’s smoking hot and we can’t even make eye contact.  It’s bad.  But I also say that because in 2^nd grade I got told by a girl, whom I still remember her name and goes to Lone Peak, that my head looked like a football.  I know it sounds dumb and looking back it’s funny.  But then, as a second grader I was crushed.  I felt horrible.  I personally think that’s when my depression kicked in.  Yes, it would’ve probably shown up sometime but I would’ve waited for it to appear later if I could’ve.

I have regrets and you’ll have regrets.  I have gotten things fixed and you’ll have things to fix.  I have had passions. And a broken heart. And you’ll have them all the same.  Know I’m here for you and love you.      

                                                                                                            Love you,

                                                                                                               Mom

Cold Felt Alone

I'm worried that I'll walk around this winter with a cold hand and the cold will spread to the heart and the head.  Those chills you gave me before are different from the chills I have now, alone in the snow.  The chills remind me I can't keep myself warm and you can't keep yourself warm because your heart is cold and dark.

I offered a candle, but you rejected because it was shined to bright and you never had a thing for things that shined. I thought it would help on your journey although I hated the idea of your ventures. You'd go to the wrong places. You'd get lost in the haze.  You'd forget where you belong.
And I'd go searching not knowing where to look and I'd forget you forgot yourself.

I would attach a lamp to your pointer finger so that wherever you venture would be light.  But lamps need electricity and your brain is barely firing off impulses to the rest of your body.  I don't know how, but you've figured out a way to detach common sense from your legs. 

I hired an electrician to figure you out and all he said was, 'I can't do that.'  But you say, 'I can't do that' when you clearly can.  I hope the light reaches you. I hope it embraces you in its arms and squeezing the dark out of your heart.

That maybe one day you'll see what real happiness is.

10 Good Deaths

Does anyone hate the fact that you're different today, than you were yesterday? And the flowers once in full bloom are starting to sag? And the zit on your forehead yesterday is gone today? And the smell of his cologne now no longer on your clothes?  We are lucky death happens on the daily and not just one big death of all things you. 

10 Good Deaths:
1. the end of your grounding
2. the disappearance of that stain on your shirt that came out in the wash
3. the day you wanted to be over because nothing was going right
4. the time when your cast came off since it really needed to go.
5. when Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein died
6. when your split ends were chopped off
7. your dependence on your parents
8. the last day of high school it needed to be over
9. the final time you had to run for the pacer physical education test
10. the deactivation of your one friend's facebook account who asked you to play Farmville daily

Fears and Tears Go Hand in Hand

A year ago when the doctor called what I had, depression I said no it can't be.  Nothing is making me sad.  The lows are normal, the highs are normal especially as a teenage girl.  And here I am a year later and afraid there's more to it. 

I don't go to the doctor in fear they'll find something else to diagnose me with. or another medication to prescribe. 

I'm afraid no one will love me.

I don't do ponytails on myself without a mirror because I don't like crooked things.  The crooked smile on that mean girl's face, the crooked picture on the wall, and especially crooked people.

I fear that I'll get taken advantage of.  I've caught people cheating off me and so I then purposefully select the wrong answers.  Once they've turned theirs in, I go back and select the right ones.

I'm afraid my mom will die and not know how much I love her. 

I refuse to go to the therapists because I know they'll tell me that I should come back in a couple weeks.  and then when I go again, they tell me they'll see me again in a couple weeks.

I fear people who are clingy.  Give me my space, I'll give you yours. But know I still love you.

I'm not applying to more than 2 colleges because I fear decisions and two options are two too many for me.

I don't think about the day I move out of my house when heading for college because I know I'm going to cry.

 

I don't fake a smile because everyone else does it for me.  And if everyone fakes a smile, the world seems perfect and I'm not afraid of being the one who's real.

\

\

Do you think less of me?

Do you think less of me because

I'm not on an athletic team?

I'm not a size 0?

I come from a broken home?

I'm an independent girl who takes herself out to the movies?

I follow the rules?

I never owned a pair of TOMS and actually hated the look of them?

I eat alone at lunch?

I don't spend my weekends keeping tabs on football games?

I am a girl who wants to go into engineering?

I run on the treadmill in fear of being seen in public?

I hate when people say they're sorry for something they didn't do?

I don't supply cheaters?

I prefer diet over original soda although I'm still a teen?

I hate texting?

I hate keeping dying conversations alive?

 

I believe old people should be able to choose if they want to die, and not just be forced into living?

I think government should legalize gay marriage?

I legalize it but don't support it?

I don't care if you do?

 

Do you think less of me?

 

 

 

 

 



Harsh Words

I look at my little sister and think she really got the not-so-desirable end of the deal.  Having older sisters is something that makes for a hard life.

They're
              cruel
                        jealous
                                    and selfish beings that tend to spend way too much time on their hair in the morning.

I wish I had treated my younger sisters better while I was growing up. You recognize the power that one sibling has on the other, and regret everything mean you ever said or did.  I think back to the time when their sun was brighter than mine and I wanted to do anything I could to have the brighter sun. 

And it's selfish, but when you're a teenage girl in Jr. high who gets told your fat, you don't know how to tell someone they're beautiful. The "friends" at the time cut a piece of my heart out and if you've ever tried to grow a heart, it's not easy. 

but my heart is almost there, I'm in Versailles and headed to Paris, because I want to make it right.

I want my love now, to illuminate their confidence.  I'd do anything I can to recover it.

But just like growing a heart, recovering confidence is difficult.

                                                

Getting Over Friends

1. Delete their phone number and then block them while you're at it

2. Don't walk by the place they sit and eat at lunch

3. Jam out to 'So What' by P!nk at all times

4. Take the pictures of and with them and delete them from your phone

5. Step back and recognize there are plenty of other people to become friends with

6. Go on a long drive to somewhere you've never been and be sure to get lost

7. Take the borrowed clothes and leave them at their doorstep....noteless

8. Invite someone else to come to the movie with you

9. Get a new hairstyle

 

10. Keep the journal entries from the time you spent with them but don't go back and read them

I don't want to wait long.

today is the last.    or at least I want it to be.

 

 

• the last time I think about you
• the last time I reminisce on your warm body that kept me from the chills.
• the last time I will write your name in my journal and draw a heart around it.

 

 

it's not what I wanted it to be.  I wanted to go to prom with you last year, but got asked before you got up to ask me. and that wasn't our plan.  and it's too bad that one time our plans failed and made our future plans fall.  if it didn't, I know we'd still talk. I wouldn't have to remember the times we had deep conversations, or the times I wasn't sure why I liked you because you were so weird only to realize it made me love you more.  but it's ok because I'm weird and we fit nicely.

 and I think you gave me the biggest butterflies that I'd ever had and I couldn't seem to let them fly away so I left them.  to feed on my insides while I enjoyed it.  but you're really great.  I have a class with you and can't get myself to look over at you since you're taken now and I'm single and that doesn't work out. 

but I can promise you that I won't be that girl, who steals another girl's man. so come and get it when you're ready. I don't want to wait long.

Roller Coasters and Being Told We're Right

The average length of a roller coaster is 3 minutes. but ours has lasted 9,434,880 minutes.

this high school roller coaster is reaching it's peak and we're about to free fall.

and before I fall I want to reach the heavens.


I want to look down and say that these 18 years have been good.

maybe not exactly how I wanted or planned

but good.


And for the first time in forever

I'm looking ahead to the drop with excitement.

The adventure ahead is a new, exciting endeavor.


I've reached higher than I ever planned

and lower than I ever imagined

but it's made me who I want to be, and it's all grand.

Thanks for the outstretched hands who lifted me up

Thanks for the outstretched hands that dragged me down

And although I will admit it's messed me up.

 

In a good way.

 

 I hope at the end of this ride

 

there is a confirmation that where you're heading

 

is right.

Because all of us want to be told we're right and this roller coaster isn't stopping.

Sometimes Solid Things Break

It's hard for me to write about something that's solid because nothing is really solid.  The Titanic was supposed to make it to New York

 

 and the people in New York who were waiting for the passengers to arrive, learned they were waiting on nothing. 

My heart is not solid when I let you in. The firmness of my heart only hides the soft side that I share with too few of people. And the ground isn't solid.  I often find myself stumbling over nothing, wondering when I'll get a grip on this life. I think about how solid our friendship was but it didn't last like it should've. 

And sometimes solid things break.

 

And sometimes to make better things come together.

 

And the cycle of solid to broken then broken to solid is what makes life good.

Because life is good.

Those in Need of a Brick

I wish I could pass out bricks.

I'd give a brick to the boy who has nothing because it's something.
I'd give a brick to the teacher to throw at the kid who asks an irrelevant question every 2 minutes.
I'd give a brick to the married couple as a house warming gift because they can use it for their fireplace.
I'd give a brick to the girl who isn't treated right by her boyfriend to defend her little self.
I'd give a brick to grandma because she hoards.
I'd give a brick to the father who steals bread to feed his family.

And I'd probably take a brick to your heart.

too bad it's not that easy.

Welcome to Lone Peak

The Land of Perfect People

perfect grades

perfect birthday parties

perfect fitting clothes

perfect teeth

perfect musician

perfect couples

perfect summer vacations

perfect homes

perfect hobbies

perfect athlete

perfect seminary student

perfect aspirations

perfect shade of highlights

perfect backyards
perfect family

 

...At least that's what it feels like. 

The Naive Lover

I thought you loved me.  But I was naïve and didn't recognize the signs. And now that I'm looking back, I realize that what we had wasn't love.  I saw your heart, your desires, but most of all the lust. I've been taken advantage four too many times and you just made five.  And you knew I had.

I needed someone who was there when I was sobbing because I felt lonely at school, someone who'd step up and decide what we should do when I'd say 'I don't care.' But you didn't.  And you knew I didn't care as long as I was with you.

You came into my life when I was most vulnerable. You told me 'this is about us' when it was really about you and your image.  I told you I've kissed way too many times on the first date but you still went for it, and I'm upset.

 

But know this, I learned a lot. and thank you for making me feel loved at the time, even if it wasn't real.



Mother Nature is Powerful but Words are Just As Strong

As a young girl, I still remember getting told my head looked like a football.  It was 3rd grade, on the big, open, grass field behind Highland Elementary.  I remember who said it to me and I remember who stood up for me.  I remember not because I still hold a grudge against her but because the way we treat others and get treated by others is everything. 

That was the day my confidence I'd grown up having from being taught I was the best, diminished.  My self esteem was lowered and from that day on, I've recognized the importance of our words.  They should be uplifting, positive, selfless, and chosen carefully.

Don't get me wrong, I've been on the other side, where my words have caused more trouble than intended.  I say stupid remarks, rude comments, and words that sting.  It destroys a person like Hurricane Sandy destroyed New Jersey, taking all there was shredding it to pieces that can never be recovered.

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People walk through the remains of burned homes after Hurricane Sandy in the Breezy Point neighborhood of the Queens borough of New York City. Over 50 homes were reportedly destroyed in a fire during the storm. (Mario Tama/Getty Images)

They say Mother Nature is powerful but words are just as strong.

 

Because Secrets and Failed Blood Clots are What Keeps Me Human

 

You did not give me reason enough to let my heart's blood spill over your mind.  It might be because my blood type is A and your blood O, and you shouldn't mix blood types.  Like the drunk driver shifting the car in gear and like the psychotic patient who is on the lose, It's fatal. 

 But I sat there with you and cut my heart open.  And instead of collecting it all and sealing it away, you let it run.You failed to clot my blood and before I knew it, the halls of school were soaked with my classified information. 

And no matter how many times my platelets in my blood try to clot my heart from bleeding out, you can't stop a flood.  But I won't blame you. 

Because secrets and failed blood clots are what keeps me human.

We were Made to be in Play

I think there is a reason God didn't give us a remote
One we could use to skip over and stop the hard times or
One to rewind to the good days
or one to stop the pain

He knew we'd be too quick to assume what lies ahead is undesirable when really we're nearing our peak. 

He knew that we'd do dumb things, and try to go back and fix it when we'd likely make it worse.

He knew the pain we'd eliminate would hurt us more in the end.

He knew we fear the future too much to give us a chance to pause where we are.

He knew we'd never slip out of our comfort zone since it'd be too risky.

He knew we could never imagine that there is something greater lying ahead when we seem to have it all.

He knew we'd move full speed over the moments we should be taking in.

He knew we wouldn't get stronger if we kept trying to stop the pain.

There are lessons to be learned.
Feelings to be felt.
Discussions to be discussed.
Words to be heard.
and People to be loved.

We were made to be in Play.

Growing up is not a good reason for giving up your crayons

I felt like a musician who'd just lost her hearing when crayons didn't show up on the school supply list for 5th grade.  Or in other words, it felt like the school was saying, "Creativity is not needed for 5th grade." Since when did growing up have anything to do with leaving our coloring books, stuffed animals, and crocs behind?

When we lost our coloring books we lost our chance to create something beautiful. 

When we lost stuffed animals we learned that it's ok to let go of things closest to us for egotistical reasons. 

And when we lost our crocs, we taught girls looks come before comfort. 

The lost things aren't easy to get back. I sit down, with a 100 markers and 100 pages and 0 idea of what I can make. 

And the people I care about,  accidentally get let go to soon for dumb reasons like growing up. 

And Never will I be able to go out in public wearing crocs without feeling self conscious even though they're the comfiest shoes I got. 

Growing up is not a good reason for giving up your crayons. 

Goodbye to that Blood Moon of Ours

To the heartbreaker:

I don't want to say goodbye

no matter what I do, I can never get over you
from the time I had you rolling on the floor laughing because you never thought I had it in me and
from the time we poured our souls and cried things I never thought it would end like this.

I pretend you're not gone, but you are.  and since you ended it, I'm shredded.

between the heart break and loneliness, the cold blankets, and the days by myself when I just need you here. I'm here.                               and you're there. 

And I'm not sure why I care.  And to your final words, "So yeah, I think we both need a break."

Give me a break at work. Give me a break at school. But don't give me a break from love.

Stuck in the Middle

We are stuck in the middle of a stream that's just too mainstream to slow
We are stuck in the middle of school being taught things that aren't helpful at all
We are stuck in the middle of adolescent and adult
We are stuck in the middle of social media and reality
We are stuck in the middle of crap jobs and our career
We are stuck in the middle of homecoming week
We are stuck in the middle of one friend and another
We are stuck in the middle of classes we are only taking to get to college
We are stuck in the middle of 100 hall between 2nd and 3rd
We are stuck in the middle of an assembly on 'Don' t do Drugs'
We are stuck in the middle of the parking lot because school just got out
We are stuck in the middle of finding and forgetting ourselves

When adults say "High School days were the better days" I say, "You must have Alzheimer's"  That lie I will never tell my kids.  Because High school is hard.

Besides my pen name, this is me

the girl who rather be in school than on break

the girl who'd rather eat with no one than with someone who acts like a no one

the girl who is still too naïve to realize boys don't love her when they say they do

the girl who runs on a treadmill rather than outside because she's afraid of being noticed

the girl who doesn't care what others think

and the girl who wishes she was on a team just so she could be part of something important

but that's not all.  I jump to conclusions to fast, I intimidate people unintentionally, and wish that reality wasn't real. 

But since it is, I've learned this:

-most people tend to love themselves more than they could ever love someone else
-everyone is insecure about something
-your truth probably isn't the truth
-quiet people are the biggest thinkers
-if you think it's about you, it probably isn't

Elsie Grace

It's ok to be selfish

Like an author who can't figure exactly how to word their thoughts and keep using the backspace then typing once more, I constantly am rewriting my desires.  The inner conflict between what I'm supposed to want and what I actually want.  The hidden artist that doubts they'll ever make a living off of something they created.  That's a lie, money doesn't make a living but doing what you love is making a living.  There is nothing more admirable than musicians on the streets barely getting by. They are them. Can she just be her, and he be him, and I be me? Because I can't be her, she can't be him, and he can't be me. 
The big decisions we all face ahead are biased.  We know what we're supposed to choose, what would make Mommy and Daddy happy, but can we get real for a second.  It's our life. It's what you'll be doing everyday for the rest of your life.  I am not only talking about your career, but the values you stand for. 

Starting aspiring to become you because that's all you really can do. Move past the prejudice, limitations, and bonds that stop you. Lose the people who tell you to change who you are. 

Because it never has it been more ok to to be selfish. 

And this I hope for,

Elsie Grace