Fears and Tears Go Hand in Hand

A year ago when the doctor called what I had, depression I said no it can't be.  Nothing is making me sad.  The lows are normal, the highs are normal especially as a teenage girl.  And here I am a year later and afraid there's more to it. 

I don't go to the doctor in fear they'll find something else to diagnose me with. or another medication to prescribe. 

I'm afraid no one will love me.

I don't do ponytails on myself without a mirror because I don't like crooked things.  The crooked smile on that mean girl's face, the crooked picture on the wall, and especially crooked people.

I fear that I'll get taken advantage of.  I've caught people cheating off me and so I then purposefully select the wrong answers.  Once they've turned theirs in, I go back and select the right ones.

I'm afraid my mom will die and not know how much I love her. 

I refuse to go to the therapists because I know they'll tell me that I should come back in a couple weeks.  and then when I go again, they tell me they'll see me again in a couple weeks.

I fear people who are clingy.  Give me my space, I'll give you yours. But know I still love you.

I'm not applying to more than 2 colleges because I fear decisions and two options are two too many for me.

I don't think about the day I move out of my house when heading for college because I know I'm going to cry.

 

I don't fake a smile because everyone else does it for me.  And if everyone fakes a smile, the world seems perfect and I'm not afraid of being the one who's real.

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Do you think less of me?

Do you think less of me because

I'm not on an athletic team?

I'm not a size 0?

I come from a broken home?

I'm an independent girl who takes herself out to the movies?

I follow the rules?

I never owned a pair of TOMS and actually hated the look of them?

I eat alone at lunch?

I don't spend my weekends keeping tabs on football games?

I am a girl who wants to go into engineering?

I run on the treadmill in fear of being seen in public?

I hate when people say they're sorry for something they didn't do?

I don't supply cheaters?

I prefer diet over original soda although I'm still a teen?

I hate texting?

I hate keeping dying conversations alive?

 

I believe old people should be able to choose if they want to die, and not just be forced into living?

I think government should legalize gay marriage?

I legalize it but don't support it?

I don't care if you do?

 

Do you think less of me?

 

 

 

 

 



Harsh Words

I look at my little sister and think she really got the not-so-desirable end of the deal.  Having older sisters is something that makes for a hard life.

They're
              cruel
                        jealous
                                    and selfish beings that tend to spend way too much time on their hair in the morning.

I wish I had treated my younger sisters better while I was growing up. You recognize the power that one sibling has on the other, and regret everything mean you ever said or did.  I think back to the time when their sun was brighter than mine and I wanted to do anything I could to have the brighter sun. 

And it's selfish, but when you're a teenage girl in Jr. high who gets told your fat, you don't know how to tell someone they're beautiful. The "friends" at the time cut a piece of my heart out and if you've ever tried to grow a heart, it's not easy. 

but my heart is almost there, I'm in Versailles and headed to Paris, because I want to make it right.

I want my love now, to illuminate their confidence.  I'd do anything I can to recover it.

But just like growing a heart, recovering confidence is difficult.

                                                

Getting Over Friends

1. Delete their phone number and then block them while you're at it

2. Don't walk by the place they sit and eat at lunch

3. Jam out to 'So What' by P!nk at all times

4. Take the pictures of and with them and delete them from your phone

5. Step back and recognize there are plenty of other people to become friends with

6. Go on a long drive to somewhere you've never been and be sure to get lost

7. Take the borrowed clothes and leave them at their doorstep....noteless

8. Invite someone else to come to the movie with you

9. Get a new hairstyle

 

10. Keep the journal entries from the time you spent with them but don't go back and read them

I don't want to wait long.

today is the last.    or at least I want it to be.

 

 

• the last time I think about you
• the last time I reminisce on your warm body that kept me from the chills.
• the last time I will write your name in my journal and draw a heart around it.

 

 

it's not what I wanted it to be.  I wanted to go to prom with you last year, but got asked before you got up to ask me. and that wasn't our plan.  and it's too bad that one time our plans failed and made our future plans fall.  if it didn't, I know we'd still talk. I wouldn't have to remember the times we had deep conversations, or the times I wasn't sure why I liked you because you were so weird only to realize it made me love you more.  but it's ok because I'm weird and we fit nicely.

 and I think you gave me the biggest butterflies that I'd ever had and I couldn't seem to let them fly away so I left them.  to feed on my insides while I enjoyed it.  but you're really great.  I have a class with you and can't get myself to look over at you since you're taken now and I'm single and that doesn't work out. 

but I can promise you that I won't be that girl, who steals another girl's man. so come and get it when you're ready. I don't want to wait long.

Roller Coasters and Being Told We're Right

The average length of a roller coaster is 3 minutes. but ours has lasted 9,434,880 minutes.

this high school roller coaster is reaching it's peak and we're about to free fall.

and before I fall I want to reach the heavens.


I want to look down and say that these 18 years have been good.

maybe not exactly how I wanted or planned

but good.


And for the first time in forever

I'm looking ahead to the drop with excitement.

The adventure ahead is a new, exciting endeavor.


I've reached higher than I ever planned

and lower than I ever imagined

but it's made me who I want to be, and it's all grand.

Thanks for the outstretched hands who lifted me up

Thanks for the outstretched hands that dragged me down

And although I will admit it's messed me up.

 

In a good way.

 

 I hope at the end of this ride

 

there is a confirmation that where you're heading

 

is right.

Because all of us want to be told we're right and this roller coaster isn't stopping.

Sometimes Solid Things Break

It's hard for me to write about something that's solid because nothing is really solid.  The Titanic was supposed to make it to New York

 

 and the people in New York who were waiting for the passengers to arrive, learned they were waiting on nothing. 

My heart is not solid when I let you in. The firmness of my heart only hides the soft side that I share with too few of people. And the ground isn't solid.  I often find myself stumbling over nothing, wondering when I'll get a grip on this life. I think about how solid our friendship was but it didn't last like it should've. 

And sometimes solid things break.

 

And sometimes to make better things come together.

 

And the cycle of solid to broken then broken to solid is what makes life good.

Because life is good.