from your Heart

Sometimes you breathe fast
And I worry I won't be able to keep up.
But you don't let me down.  I'm afraid you will.

You make me fall in love so quick but way to leave me hanging.
I'm better than your brain because I feel.
I want to love and be loved.
I want someone to spill my warm blood all over and for them to still love the way I beat.

I'm not just a drum.
I'm a rhythmic pulse maker who keeps you dancing.
I never get a break so could you start using that oxygenated blood for good, for you and those in need?

I don't work for nothing and you're of worth.
Why would I keep beating if you weren't suppose to be here.
But like I mentioned before, take this pulse I give and dance to it. 
Make a song, I'm giving you a steady beat.

There are times when it seems easy to stop, but I don't. 
So you better not stop either.

Love,

Your Heart

To My Future Child

     I hope that you don’t have to go through what I went through.  You’ll have challenges but I hope divorced parents isn’t one of them.  I hope that you work hard for what you love.  I dreamed of having a kid who is passionate about their hobby but if you’re not, it’s ok, I still love you.  I hope to be able to give you the opportunity to take music lessons.  I think playing an instrument provides an exit from the real world and a chance for you to just let go.  I don’t want you to ever think about letting go of something you love because nobody should have to.  Be careful on who you are friends with.  They have a huge impact on who you become.

 

 

I want you to not be lazy.  I have the biggest pet peeve of people who think they’ll go somewhere from sitting on their butt all day.  I don’t want that for you.  I want to prepare you for the future.  I don’t want you to be shocked and left unable to be independent.  And I want you to feel loved.  I’m going to be one of those moms who is all over her kids, reminding them she loves them.

 

 

I want to be someone you can come talk to when you are lost, when you have questions, and when you feel lonely.  I had that from my mom and it was a huge blessing.  I did some things I really regret and I had to fix a lot of things but it was worth it.  I want you to know you’re worth it.  Screwing up is really embarrassing and it really sucks.  There is always a way to fix things though.  I lost hope on myself far too many times and don’t do the same.  It runs in the family through my dad’s side to think the grass is really greener on the other side.  It’s a lie.   

 

I hope that I’ve grown back a relationship with my dad because right now there’s none.  It’s hard to rebuild a bridge that’s been burnt down over and over.  But I’m working on it.  Please forgive others when they screw up.  I want to teach you from the start that forgiveness is important.  I’ve held way too many grudges and the longer they sit on your shoulders, the longer it takes to throw off. 

 

 

I’ll support you in whatever you do.  I’ve always said that mamas who let their boys play football don’t love them but if that’s your dream, I can work around my prejudice.  If you want to do band and play the oboe, I’ll cheer you on at band concerts.  I will take what you have and do whatever I can to help you magnify your talents.

 

 

I hope you play nice with kids on the playground.  I didn’t.  I growled at this kid who I see in the halls daily, back in 3^rd grade when he came to sit next to me on the bus.  Stupidest thing I’ve ever done because now he’s smoking hot and we can’t even make eye contact.  It’s bad.  But I also say that because in 2^nd grade I got told by a girl, whom I still remember her name and goes to Lone Peak, that my head looked like a football.  I know it sounds dumb and looking back it’s funny.  But then, as a second grader I was crushed.  I felt horrible.  I personally think that’s when my depression kicked in.  Yes, it would’ve probably shown up sometime but I would’ve waited for it to appear later if I could’ve.

I have regrets and you’ll have regrets.  I have gotten things fixed and you’ll have things to fix.  I have had passions. And a broken heart. And you’ll have them all the same.  Know I’m here for you and love you.      

                                                                                                            Love you,

                                                                                                               Mom

Cold Felt Alone

I'm worried that I'll walk around this winter with a cold hand and the cold will spread to the heart and the head.  Those chills you gave me before are different from the chills I have now, alone in the snow.  The chills remind me I can't keep myself warm and you can't keep yourself warm because your heart is cold and dark.

I offered a candle, but you rejected because it was shined to bright and you never had a thing for things that shined. I thought it would help on your journey although I hated the idea of your ventures. You'd go to the wrong places. You'd get lost in the haze.  You'd forget where you belong.
And I'd go searching not knowing where to look and I'd forget you forgot yourself.

I would attach a lamp to your pointer finger so that wherever you venture would be light.  But lamps need electricity and your brain is barely firing off impulses to the rest of your body.  I don't know how, but you've figured out a way to detach common sense from your legs. 

I hired an electrician to figure you out and all he said was, 'I can't do that.'  But you say, 'I can't do that' when you clearly can.  I hope the light reaches you. I hope it embraces you in its arms and squeezing the dark out of your heart.

That maybe one day you'll see what real happiness is.

10 Good Deaths

Does anyone hate the fact that you're different today, than you were yesterday? And the flowers once in full bloom are starting to sag? And the zit on your forehead yesterday is gone today? And the smell of his cologne now no longer on your clothes?  We are lucky death happens on the daily and not just one big death of all things you. 

10 Good Deaths:
1. the end of your grounding
2. the disappearance of that stain on your shirt that came out in the wash
3. the day you wanted to be over because nothing was going right
4. the time when your cast came off since it really needed to go.
5. when Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein died
6. when your split ends were chopped off
7. your dependence on your parents
8. the last day of high school it needed to be over
9. the final time you had to run for the pacer physical education test
10. the deactivation of your one friend's facebook account who asked you to play Farmville daily

Fears and Tears Go Hand in Hand

A year ago when the doctor called what I had, depression I said no it can't be.  Nothing is making me sad.  The lows are normal, the highs are normal especially as a teenage girl.  And here I am a year later and afraid there's more to it. 

I don't go to the doctor in fear they'll find something else to diagnose me with. or another medication to prescribe. 

I'm afraid no one will love me.

I don't do ponytails on myself without a mirror because I don't like crooked things.  The crooked smile on that mean girl's face, the crooked picture on the wall, and especially crooked people.

I fear that I'll get taken advantage of.  I've caught people cheating off me and so I then purposefully select the wrong answers.  Once they've turned theirs in, I go back and select the right ones.

I'm afraid my mom will die and not know how much I love her. 

I refuse to go to the therapists because I know they'll tell me that I should come back in a couple weeks.  and then when I go again, they tell me they'll see me again in a couple weeks.

I fear people who are clingy.  Give me my space, I'll give you yours. But know I still love you.

I'm not applying to more than 2 colleges because I fear decisions and two options are two too many for me.

I don't think about the day I move out of my house when heading for college because I know I'm going to cry.

 

I don't fake a smile because everyone else does it for me.  And if everyone fakes a smile, the world seems perfect and I'm not afraid of being the one who's real.

\

\

Do you think less of me?

Do you think less of me because

I'm not on an athletic team?

I'm not a size 0?

I come from a broken home?

I'm an independent girl who takes herself out to the movies?

I follow the rules?

I never owned a pair of TOMS and actually hated the look of them?

I eat alone at lunch?

I don't spend my weekends keeping tabs on football games?

I am a girl who wants to go into engineering?

I run on the treadmill in fear of being seen in public?

I hate when people say they're sorry for something they didn't do?

I don't supply cheaters?

I prefer diet over original soda although I'm still a teen?

I hate texting?

I hate keeping dying conversations alive?

 

I believe old people should be able to choose if they want to die, and not just be forced into living?

I think government should legalize gay marriage?

I legalize it but don't support it?

I don't care if you do?

 

Do you think less of me?

 

 

 

 

 



Harsh Words

I look at my little sister and think she really got the not-so-desirable end of the deal.  Having older sisters is something that makes for a hard life.

They're
              cruel
                        jealous
                                    and selfish beings that tend to spend way too much time on their hair in the morning.

I wish I had treated my younger sisters better while I was growing up. You recognize the power that one sibling has on the other, and regret everything mean you ever said or did.  I think back to the time when their sun was brighter than mine and I wanted to do anything I could to have the brighter sun. 

And it's selfish, but when you're a teenage girl in Jr. high who gets told your fat, you don't know how to tell someone they're beautiful. The "friends" at the time cut a piece of my heart out and if you've ever tried to grow a heart, it's not easy. 

but my heart is almost there, I'm in Versailles and headed to Paris, because I want to make it right.

I want my love now, to illuminate their confidence.  I'd do anything I can to recover it.

But just like growing a heart, recovering confidence is difficult.