I remember

I remember the voice of my grandpa when he sang some song he made up about ducks and whiskey.
I remember collecting things in Grandma's house and burying them in her front yard hoping it would be treasure when we dug it out again.
I remember finding out about my surprise 16th birthday party and then it not happening.
I remember the boy who showed up on my doorstep every year on Valentine's day for 3 years and how he didn't come last year.
I remember wishing it never ended.
I remember the jams I listened to as I cleaned my room in 7th grade.
I remember the first time I heard 'Skyscraper' by Demi Lovato and bawling because it hit me.
I remember the eye contact I made with this cute boy at SeaWorld and thinking I must've known him in the Pre-Mortal life or maybe I just hoped I knew him then.
I remember finding my lifeless bunny in her cage.
I remember the peace in my heart.
I remember the Tamagotchi that grew to be an adult and giving my all to keep it alive.
I remember my waist being a little bigger.
I remember thinking math was easy.
I remember swimming in Grandma Linda's pool and eating sundaes and that she wasn't our biological grandma.
I remember hating Golum and still hating him because he ruined any chance of having a dream as a child.
I remember how we only cared about the next time we'd get to play.
I remember wandering the halls hoping somebody would stop and talk with me.
I remember watching your chest rise and fall.

I remember you.

Man Killed

Freckles on Me

My mom always said that the freckles sprinkled across my face were spots where angels had kissed me before. 

After being in an accident I gained a lot of new specks on my head, where I'd been severely injured. 

The ones on my hands are from the princes that have treated me with a respect I hope they treat their future wives with.

Freckles appear on my ears every time a song touches my heart and it happens a lot at live performances. 

The ones on my lips are from the boys I've kissed and good food I've eaten. 

The summer memories resides on my shoulders and knees where the big sun above hit so many times. 

And the angels aren't always the ones you can't see.  The marks are from every where and nearly everyone who touched a part of you that hadn't been touched before.

The people you regret letting into your life are the ones that turn into moles that turn into cancer. 
They are bound to get back at you for hurting them.

  I hope the freckles remain freckles, and the moles remain moles.   

from your Heart

Sometimes you breathe fast
And I worry I won't be able to keep up.
But you don't let me down.  I'm afraid you will.

You make me fall in love so quick but way to leave me hanging.
I'm better than your brain because I feel.
I want to love and be loved.
I want someone to spill my warm blood all over and for them to still love the way I beat.

I'm not just a drum.
I'm a rhythmic pulse maker who keeps you dancing.
I never get a break so could you start using that oxygenated blood for good, for you and those in need?

I don't work for nothing and you're of worth.
Why would I keep beating if you weren't suppose to be here.
But like I mentioned before, take this pulse I give and dance to it. 
Make a song, I'm giving you a steady beat.

There are times when it seems easy to stop, but I don't. 
So you better not stop either.

Love,

Your Heart

To My Future Child

     I hope that you don’t have to go through what I went through.  You’ll have challenges but I hope divorced parents isn’t one of them.  I hope that you work hard for what you love.  I dreamed of having a kid who is passionate about their hobby but if you’re not, it’s ok, I still love you.  I hope to be able to give you the opportunity to take music lessons.  I think playing an instrument provides an exit from the real world and a chance for you to just let go.  I don’t want you to ever think about letting go of something you love because nobody should have to.  Be careful on who you are friends with.  They have a huge impact on who you become.

 

 

I want you to not be lazy.  I have the biggest pet peeve of people who think they’ll go somewhere from sitting on their butt all day.  I don’t want that for you.  I want to prepare you for the future.  I don’t want you to be shocked and left unable to be independent.  And I want you to feel loved.  I’m going to be one of those moms who is all over her kids, reminding them she loves them.

 

 

I want to be someone you can come talk to when you are lost, when you have questions, and when you feel lonely.  I had that from my mom and it was a huge blessing.  I did some things I really regret and I had to fix a lot of things but it was worth it.  I want you to know you’re worth it.  Screwing up is really embarrassing and it really sucks.  There is always a way to fix things though.  I lost hope on myself far too many times and don’t do the same.  It runs in the family through my dad’s side to think the grass is really greener on the other side.  It’s a lie.   

 

I hope that I’ve grown back a relationship with my dad because right now there’s none.  It’s hard to rebuild a bridge that’s been burnt down over and over.  But I’m working on it.  Please forgive others when they screw up.  I want to teach you from the start that forgiveness is important.  I’ve held way too many grudges and the longer they sit on your shoulders, the longer it takes to throw off. 

 

 

I’ll support you in whatever you do.  I’ve always said that mamas who let their boys play football don’t love them but if that’s your dream, I can work around my prejudice.  If you want to do band and play the oboe, I’ll cheer you on at band concerts.  I will take what you have and do whatever I can to help you magnify your talents.

 

 

I hope you play nice with kids on the playground.  I didn’t.  I growled at this kid who I see in the halls daily, back in 3^rd grade when he came to sit next to me on the bus.  Stupidest thing I’ve ever done because now he’s smoking hot and we can’t even make eye contact.  It’s bad.  But I also say that because in 2^nd grade I got told by a girl, whom I still remember her name and goes to Lone Peak, that my head looked like a football.  I know it sounds dumb and looking back it’s funny.  But then, as a second grader I was crushed.  I felt horrible.  I personally think that’s when my depression kicked in.  Yes, it would’ve probably shown up sometime but I would’ve waited for it to appear later if I could’ve.

I have regrets and you’ll have regrets.  I have gotten things fixed and you’ll have things to fix.  I have had passions. And a broken heart. And you’ll have them all the same.  Know I’m here for you and love you.      

                                                                                                            Love you,

                                                                                                               Mom

Cold Felt Alone

I'm worried that I'll walk around this winter with a cold hand and the cold will spread to the heart and the head.  Those chills you gave me before are different from the chills I have now, alone in the snow.  The chills remind me I can't keep myself warm and you can't keep yourself warm because your heart is cold and dark.

I offered a candle, but you rejected because it was shined to bright and you never had a thing for things that shined. I thought it would help on your journey although I hated the idea of your ventures. You'd go to the wrong places. You'd get lost in the haze.  You'd forget where you belong.
And I'd go searching not knowing where to look and I'd forget you forgot yourself.

I would attach a lamp to your pointer finger so that wherever you venture would be light.  But lamps need electricity and your brain is barely firing off impulses to the rest of your body.  I don't know how, but you've figured out a way to detach common sense from your legs. 

I hired an electrician to figure you out and all he said was, 'I can't do that.'  But you say, 'I can't do that' when you clearly can.  I hope the light reaches you. I hope it embraces you in its arms and squeezing the dark out of your heart.

That maybe one day you'll see what real happiness is.

10 Good Deaths

Does anyone hate the fact that you're different today, than you were yesterday? And the flowers once in full bloom are starting to sag? And the zit on your forehead yesterday is gone today? And the smell of his cologne now no longer on your clothes?  We are lucky death happens on the daily and not just one big death of all things you. 

10 Good Deaths:
1. the end of your grounding
2. the disappearance of that stain on your shirt that came out in the wash
3. the day you wanted to be over because nothing was going right
4. the time when your cast came off since it really needed to go.
5. when Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein died
6. when your split ends were chopped off
7. your dependence on your parents
8. the last day of high school it needed to be over
9. the final time you had to run for the pacer physical education test
10. the deactivation of your one friend's facebook account who asked you to play Farmville daily