till we meet again-sorry and thank you

this week is graduation

I have regrets and joys that will stay with me till the grave 

so I want to tell you sorry.

Sorry for things I said and things I didn't

Sorry for the mean faces and snide comments

Sorry

In elementary school, I barked at Nate Finlayson on the bus and cannot make eye contact with him ever since. Sorry Nate.

In junior high, I wrote a love note to David Flake, gave it to him the end of class, and ran off. And I left a love note in John Savage's locker.  Sorry. It's all still awkward to this day and I wish I'd never done any of it in the first place.

In high school, I learned to keep to myself because that was what was best for me. I wish I hadn't of kept oh so quiet. 

and as I sat back and watched people, I learned some things. so thank you. 

Melissa Simpson taught me that people are more important than anything.

 and Ashley Martin that little things can make a difference.

Abbie Weichers taught me that a laugh can fix almost anything.

 and Kailee Hogge that it's ok to act crazy sometimes.

Emi Hironaka taught me that anyone can be your friend.

 and Ellery Osborn that people change and opposites make the best pairs.

Emma Fruehan taught me that there is good in everyone and a rumor isn't worth it.

 and Danielle Kemp that a listening ear is never a bad idea.

Whitney Porter taught me that commitment pays off.

 and Yuna Page that we can have it all.

Heather Peterson taught me we have more than one chance at life and to never give up.

 and Brylee Bromley that service is the key to happiness and acceptance.

Kenya Anderson taught me that even though life sucks sometimes, you can change your attitude.

 and Jane Rowberry that hard work pays off.

Abby Jardine taught me that an invite won't hurt and how to build someone up.

 and Megan Solomon that judging doesn't help and love is what's important.

the list could go on.

thank you.

You all made a difference whether you know it or not.

Keep strong Knights and till we meet again,

Abigail Waters

216

216 hours we'll no longer be a knight

We've been part of Lone Peak for over 26,280 hours.

just last week I was singing praises only to find I will miss this.

by this i mean orchestra concerts.  i've played in them for over 7 years and my last one was Thursday.  Ashokan's farewell hit me hard and I was so drowned out in tears I couldn't see my music.

by this i mean small classrooms with teachers who care. most the time.

by this i mean friends the one's I'll never see again and the ones who I'll see weekly.

by this i mean dances and going out with people you've known for almost 2 decades.

I'll miss the high spirited halls.

by this i mean the youth around me.

by this i mean the seminary building and how it gave me a safe haven where i received revelation.  and how it happens to be the largest seminary building in the world.

by this i mean pulling into the parking lot in the morning, walking in with my sister and feeling the fresh air on my skin.

I'll miss this.

We'll soon be leaving the maroon, gold, and black, taking on blue, red, or green.

And when that time comes, I hope to never forget this.

Emma Fruehan, this is about you.

First off,
I feel so privileged to have been assigned to analyze your blog. I've loved you way before Polly Baker ever existed and your writing has made me love and adore you even more.

Thank you.
thanks for being real.  you don't give a crap and it makes your writing better.  I always feel like I can relate to your posts and they make me feel something.

       favorite quotes:

Your pain has always cut me deeper than my own
These tears were never for me

but somewhere near the end of may you'll be alone without a footstep to follow and you'll be thankful for the maps in your hand

and the dreamers that sleep all day and paint pictures every night that no one will ever see

But you're afraid to write down how you feel because maybe then I'll hold you accountable for the words shaped like dull kitchen knives that were aimed at my murmuring heart.

I keep trying to write essays that explain my life in 250 words or less. But how do they expect me to do that? That would take approximately 12 conversations until the cold hours of the morning where honesty is easier and words flow like rivers.

High school is a coma that some people never wake up from.

     my favorite post of all time: fire insurance not included

http://volatileheart.blogspot.com/2015/02/fire-insurance-not-included.html

You took a fire and compared it with love and how it left a smell on your clothes, that will take forever to get out.  I am amazed at every way you connected the heartbreak and campfires. Sparks and boy scouts, can't forget girls camp.  I don't think you get enough attention or credit for your work.  

      my hopes for you:

I wish you slammed more you have fantastic pieces that should be shared.  I hope you write after Paris.  

this is it

As seniors we ride late nights and drive the music,

we take the weekends and lose them like they will be back next week.

because they are.

And one day we won't have to live to the weekend

taking in the air daily realizing that this

this

and 

this was worth hanging on to

but we're seniors and Wednesdays let us down.

we're stuck in high school looking for a way out

soon we'll be begging to have what we had before.

lacking our independence, we suffer

and stunting us till the weekend when we leave Dad's texts unanswered.

we are were we are

and this can do us good.

So this is Goodbye

I'm not yours

so the subtweeting has got to stop

the late phone calls need to go

and hun get rid of the name 'babe' 

For way to long have I been stuck

trapped in a pressure point you know I am not good at getting out of.

On the daily

'what's up?', 'you want to do something?'. 'are you free?'

excuse me, am I free?

That's a good question because I would be if it weren't for you.

And no, I don't hate you 

Just give me some space.

This is America and I don't see a ring 

and not a girlfriend title in sight.

Friend zoning you so hard right now

I can't be more obvious.

We've had the talks

and you say you get it

but you don't

and it doesn't look like you'll be catching on anytime soon.

So this is goodbye

Because I need my space

and you don't need yours 

so I advise you find another girl.

I want you to have it good.

You deserve someone nice and cute.

And one who will hang onto you tight

since you'll do the same.

But I'm not that girl so this is goodbye.

20

we wondered why the mist never left and followed us around

we wondered why death comes upon us more often

and we wondered why we didn't know we'd be needing to say goodbye.

we notice kids who are hardly breathing, and don't speak up

yet we still wonder why

we struggle ourselves, and don't speak up 

and we wonder why

this is not a only a Lone Peak problem, 

but a Highland, Cedar Hills, and Alpine thing.

American Fork Hospital has around 20 patients weekly who come in after failed suicide attempts.

20

20

20

it's a lot

So maybe we need to learn to speak up for ourselves and not just others

So maybe we need to take care of us and seek help

And maybe we are wishing on a star

Worth It

I'm dragging out our time

We don't know how much we've got left

So I'm going to take my precious time.

Grasping the tips of your fingers,

My lips are sealed with yours

And I'm tempted to lock it with glue.

We're the kids everyone wishes they were

The ones who knew what they wanted

We have something only high school kids dream of.

When the alarm on my phone rang

Meaning it was time to go

I pressed snooze and snooze 

Until it wasn't an option anymore.

Did it really take this long for me to love you?

and now that we have to say goodbye,

I'm regretting every loveless second before.

I whisper, "I love you" in your ear.

And when you say it back,

I'll know this was all worth it.

We fought.

WE FOUGHT
but not like other people fought
A LOT
over wanting the other person to be happiest
WE WERE
an advocate for the other
LOVERS
who truly loved

RAP

But I'm far from perfect
and yeah I think you heard it
We rappin to the beats
because I don't race in heats.
I climb stairs not mountains
And I have a thing for fountains
If you ain't going to BYU
they say screw you
If you ain't going to the U
they say screw you
If you ain't going to USU
who the freak are you
And about UVU
I don't know who
Cause the pleasin' is done
So thanks my hunny bun

Accepted

I spent the weekend watching failed proposals and being grateful I will never be the boy in that situation since feeling accepted was never a strength.

As if no amount of love given to me would be able to fill the draining arteries and severed veins in my warm scarlet face.

The acceptance letters are rolling on in and no matter how many I get, it feels like it's not enough.

How could I want more more and more confirmations?

I got in my dream school and I am still like this.

Will the drugs kick in or the blood clot or college acceptance letters convince me that I'm accepted?

Test after test I'm writing out my character thinking is this really me.  Is this really me?

The day when my children ask about my teenage years will I have forgot about this?

Don't say it stays in my head. Don't stay it stays in my warm scarlet face.

Peace in Mind

Running in circles we find ourselves looking for happiness
when if we just stopped running we would be able to rest
I fought my feet and stopped for a little
Hoping that time would move real slow.

I opened my eyes and closed my ears
Because in High school,
there is no benefit to listening to the gossip
of teenage girls and jock boys.

I felt so much more
I loved so much more
and I saw God.

In the halls of Lone Peak,
you don't have to go real far to find gloomy weather
and with that being said,
you don't have to roam too far to find bright skies

It's all in the people, the people, the people.

And it's too bad that those people are lonely teenagers, lost travelers, and depressed souls
And it's too good that those people are re-tryers, tender carers, with a whole lot of fighters.

Sure we get high, sure we get low
But not even the wolf's blow will knock down our strongest.
And that's nice
because our futures are some of the brightest

People are nice and people are mean
But just remember we have all been lost if we aren't right now.

We're Fighting for You

We are fighting so hard and still are losing
And they keep saying there are things we could be doing
But I'm running out of ideas.
Pleading with other students
We sit here in class hoping the kid next to us isn't giving up.

We are trying and their trying and I don't know if we can try much harder.
It's up to them and we pray they stay
Fight on
And so we'll sing the cheers for the crowd instead of the basketball players.
Because you need to know that you are great, you are loved, and you are seen.

We'll lift you up and hope you stay, but we certainly can't stop a made up mind
and it scares me.
So stay on our boat made with love.
Let us sail the seas 5000 times before we call it over.
Because this is not over.

It's not over until God calls you home and last time I checked,
you and I both have 63 more years to go.
The silence is killing you so give me your heart,
I'll hook it up to my aux cord,
and we'll jam together.

I'll crank up the speakers because you're my favorite song.
And whatever you're thinking, I want to know.
It's a thing called love I wish you would accept.
I love you.
We love you.

Take the warm hugs, cookies and heart felt notes with you,
tell the depression to back off and realize you are loved,
you are seen,
and we would miss you so much.

A Month Ago

Only a month ago, we were wrapped in a blanket staring at the stars and in each others eyes too quickly we blinked and time had slipped away.

Only a month ago, we were hoping our resolutions would last and we'd be independent at last but that didn't last.

Only a month ago boys were praying the Seattle Seahawks would win and other boys prayed the patriots would win and both praying that the ice beneath our feet wasn't so thing because they want to be stable.

Only a month ago, I wished on a lucky penny, we said our last goodbye, and thought I'd never hear from him again, but I did.

and Only a month ago, I didn't know what I'd do in a year, and I thought I did but in reality I didn't.

Only a month ago, I decided I could make it, I could get through the hellish storms, so I picked up my bible and got on my knees, and started to pray.

But only today, only today, God answered by  pleads and rested my restless nights and replaced the sad tears in my eyes only with sheer joy.

Blessings

Dear God,

Please bless that we will be safe throughout our day
Please bless that the food will nourish and strengthen our bodies
Please bless we will do well in school and at work

But please,

bless the lost and lonely
the bare and broken

Bless these girls that are putting on hair extensions only to stare at their reflections
Bless the guys to lift up a family and not only weights.
Bless that these girls get dates.

Please,

Bless the Friday nights and the Monday mornings
the weary and the dreary
Bless the choices we make

Bless the sunset coloring in the sky
Bless that I'll avoid getting high
Bless the streets who've seen 2 too many wrecks
and the ones who oversend texts

Please,

Bless the wars and the warriors,
The homeless and the helpless,
Bless the teachers and the kids

Bless him, bless her
Bless we, bless me

Bless us.

the rings on Saturn

The prints on my hands wind around like the rings of saturn
and when I found out the earth didn't have rings, I said explain this.
we go in endless circles in hopes that the next turn will be more enjoyable
this last rotation didn't feel right and like the speed dating in college you want to just settle down
take a breather and press on
The rings tight on people's fingers committing themselves to another set of turns
and the more turns I take the sicker I get.
The nausea is setting in and when I roll off the bed in the morning
I look at the ceiling that circles my head until it's still.
we're turning guys we're turning and when you think about that corner
you prepare for a refresher
the restart on your phone
the blank page in your journal
this new year calendar
and the new house you're supposed to call home
the vultures in the sky hoover around a helpless mammal
and the sharks around a sinking boat
the circles capture us
the life, the death, and nearly everything in between
so please, explain to me how the earth doesn't have rings.

What happened to Abby

What happened to Abby Doodle Stroodle Noodle

Or the freckle on her nose that she always wanted to hide and

Where did the pickle green polo shirts go that were buttoned up to the top and her straight across bangs

What took the silence from her heart and put the tears in her eyes

What happened to the hoop earrings and bright eye shadow that made her feel mature

The ipod nanos, the Pokémon cards, her Gameboy and her dear tamagotchis

The animal crackers, Blues Clues, her bunnies, and the legos only boys played

The Razor scooter she got for her birthday and the crocs she wore out to dinner.

Oh and what about the Webkinz and Stardoll

She was confident in her skin

She was independent

She was competitive about everything

She was opinionated

She was feisty

And She was happy

They all disappeared because dad always said to grow up and kids told her that wasn’t cool.  The boy called her fat, the girl called her ugly and the teacher called her dumb.

She decided she should probably replace those things with burgundy lipstick, diamond earrings and fake eyelashes.

She is quiet

She is a ‘whatever you want’ person

She is sad

She is lonely

And she is ok

Her nanos were upgraded to the ipod touch and the Pokémon cards were burned.

The Webkinz account has been deactivated and her Gameboy has been put out of order

The Blues Clues doesn’t play anymore and the scooter is who knows where.

Well I don’t care anymore anyways.

Paper Towns

I read the Paper Towns book by John Green.  I picked it out because I thoroughly enjoyed reading The Fault in Our Stars, also by John Green.  If you stop reading this right now, I get it.  Some people really hate that book.  But this book was not similar to The Fault in Our Stars.  Sure there is a boy and a girl, but nothing about dying or anything to make you cry.

The girl, Margo, disappears and 90% of the book is Quentin (the boy) trying to figure out where she had gone.  That being said.  I didn't like this book.  I felt like it just kept dragging on and on.  Very quickly I had lost interest to the point where I had to force myself to finish it.
I say you should probably only read this book if you can bear through pages and pages of nothing happening.  I'm not that type of person. But besides the long period of Quentin figuring things out, overall the story line was ok given there wasn't much to it.